What is it about nights spent awake? The smells, the TV. The lack of cigarettes, the lack of money. The absence of hope, for the moment, and the knowledge it'll eventually return. Well - in about five hours when I'm leaving the house, with the world moving by my once again, things will seem a bit more optimistic.
Channel 9 treated me to two episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and an episode of Water Rats - all three of which i'd seen, more than once. The garbage bin and my ashtray gave me some discarded, semi-burnt tobacco to smoke. Whatelse, whatelse?
I've detached slightly from everything, which isn't great, but is affording me moments of not being unhappy. The most tangible quality I can find at the moment that most resembles happiness is complacency. A state of being where I stop giving a lying fuck and just maintain my balance and try not to fall over, sink, etc etc. It's going OK.... but, y'know, semi-homeless, living with my parents, debt, addiction.
The best thing about life right now are the relationships I have with people: My folks, Marc... they are going well. The former very much so, considering the tumultuousness that our interactions are prone. I know I am leting them down, and am secrely hoping that Dad just lets me coast in this craptastic state, not give me too much grief, just so i can tread water and hopefully achieve something other than zero-gain/loss buoyancy.
Right, this post is full of laboured.... analogies? Half analogies?
It's main funtion is to make a mark, note I am alive and not totally miserable.
a cutting may now grow a new, healthy shoot
- Insomnia. Temporary.