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I'm looking to make a deal...
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... if any of you cunts are feeling the urge to top yourself, call me.

Not that Darcy didn't call me, but I was in bed. And hit silence. And reminded myself to call her back. And didn't. And she killed herself. Not because I didn't call her back - we hadn't talked in months, she'd been in and out of Glenside. We'd just reconnected, only just. When we last talked, on my birthday, she sounded vague and sort of confused (as she often did), but not without hope. There was no suggestion that any of this was too much for her, no more than usual anyway.

I'm angry at her, but I'm also relieved for her. At least now (most probably) she isn't sufering from the pain of just being, and not being comfortable or able to find happiness without drugs or alcohol. I feel for her family, who will never really experience the lack of discomfort she now has the luxury of, for eternity. Or whatever. I keep thinking "if only she had called me"... but she did. She even told her boyfriend we were catching up Satuday night. That's why the cops called me, that's the only reason I know.

I don't know why or what or who, I don't even possess the full questions anymore. Not sure if I ever did, and if they made it easier or just invited more unanswerable questions. Again, about what I have no idea. And why... well, that I most probably will never know. I wish I had some sort of faith that told me I will know, when my time comes. But I don't. Best I think i'll get i whatever story I manage to shape around this life, before it slips away to be replaced by more and more and more.

I hope you have the questions, if not the answers, that are going to make this night or this day pass easily, without discomfort. With ease. I hope that you are happy enough, if not simply happy. And if you're not don't just call me once, call me twice. Text me. Please.

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i think we hope there is something that could be said to make it all better. but in the end, i don't think there is. you can't make someone love life. just be there for them. if that is not enough, then nothing is.

I do think what might've happened if I did pick up the phone.

I imagine she'd have been quiet, indirect. I would've rainchecked if she did want to catch up. I'd feel even worse.

Just best to nip that line of questioning in the bud, though.

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